I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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