You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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