ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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