he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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