Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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