please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Randomize
