mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
