i wish there were pregnant emoticons
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
