In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
i've created a new STD.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Randomize
