What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
