I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I am available for nakedness
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Randomize