i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
