she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
