EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
