If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
he was CRYING into my vagina
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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