I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
