I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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