He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
