Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
