Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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