I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
