Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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