The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
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