I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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