I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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