I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize
