I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
