party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
