shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
