so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
