I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
