I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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