If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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