When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
