I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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