how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Randomize
