So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
