I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
