Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize