Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
