So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
