I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
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