You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I will be naked everywhere
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
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