i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
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