WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
This house was built for laser tag.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Randomize
