they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize