i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize