Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
