I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
