that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
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