i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
