God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Randomize
