a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
