and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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