life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
