He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
