She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
