Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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