Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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