I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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