This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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