it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
