I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Randomize
