just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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