you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
You need Xanax blowdarts
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
